Alive? Barely

Happy Halloween!  Yep it's Halloween and I'm blogging, but unfortunately not pictures of my kids in their costumes because I won't be posting again for another few years.  I went on a late jog this morning.  Why so late?  Well I let my kids stay home from school today.  We're heading up to St. Johns later today for Nana's funeral and we haven't had a weekend to get anything done, so today, Friday, is my Saturday for the week.  We've been busy, really busy.  In fact I feel like my life is starting to spin out of control.  We're overloaded with activities.  I like that my kids are active and don't sit around and veg all day (but when they do watch tv it's the Middle, so that's a win).  But honestly, we are too over scheduled.  I'm currently the Relief Society president in my ward (I've hit my 2 year anniversary), the PTO president at my kids' school and on the little league board.  Jeremy is first counselor in YM, the girls' soccer coach and on the soccer board.  We have a lot going on.  Not to mention, Jake has been playing travel baseball, Annie is in dance once a week, Hannah takes piano, Abby violin, Abby and Hannah are on the same soccer team - which is another source of stress.  We put Hannah up on Abby's team because it makes our schedule easier when Dad is coaching the girls together and there is just one set of practices to go to each week.  But are we doing a disservice to Hannah by not letting her excel on her own level?  One of my many doubts as a mom! Plus there is the Cultural Celebration that Jake is involved in, he is a soccer ref when he has time - which is mostly never, activity days, Wednesday babysitting....  Also, I've been asked to coach club volleyball this year, to be Abby's coach.  I've had a feeling like this is going to be too much!  It's the sport I love and I love that Ab wants to play, but how do I balance one more thing when I'm already too overwhelmed?
I feel like all this has come at a major cost.  I've become a drill sargent.  I bark orders at everyone.  I have my schedule figured out sometimes down to the minute and freak when I hit all lights red, or heaven forbid Claire needs to go to the bathroom.  I just don't have time for that!  Annie is an emotional mess and I get impatient with her.  I know she's reaching out for attention and just needs Mom to love her and make time for her, but sometimes I'm too busy to.  Claire has learned to work the candy angle.  If she know's I'm busy, she'll whine until I get her a piece of candy.  I keep smarties and starburst in my purse to keep the beast calm.
So what's the answer?  I don't know.  I've heard a few people post or talk about how they've taken a break or a radical sabbatical.  I'm feeling like I'm to that point. I'm honestly considering taking a leave from all extra curricular activities.  But maybe not piano and violin, and what about little league season coming up, and maybe not after school sports for the kids.  See? how do I stop?  These are all good things, but what do I eliminate without making a kid think I'm picking on him or her?  Can I say, Annie no more dance, but Jake gets to play school basketball?  It's wholly unfair and too complicated in my brain.  Probably not to others, but to me it is.  My kids are talented and I love that they use their talents and not waste them away even though it would be so much easier (and cheaper) to just let them watch tv all afternoon long.
I'm sure I'm screwing up my kids every day.  I suppose most parents feel that same way.  I pray everyday for guidance and help to keep my kids from going crazy as adults and to raise them to be responsible and contributors to society. Yep those are some of my prayers.  I love my clan to pieces and worry about them like crazy.  Will I ever figure this mothering thing out?  Probably not, but when I do, believe me there will be a blog post celebrating!
So that was my vent.  A crappy last blog post, but who knows, maybe I'll wake up one day and be ready to jump back on the blogger wagon, when I have time that is.